


You've Got Mail

by ceciliaj



Category: The Guild
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-27
Updated: 2012-05-27
Packaged: 2017-11-06 03:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceciliaj/pseuds/ceciliaj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A typical early evening online.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Got Mail

Bladezz looked around furtively, as he used a mechanical pencil to open the mysterious pink parcel he'd received in the mail that afternoon. "If this is another piece of Finn Smulders fan art, I'm going to be very annoyed," he declared to his mic.

 

"Just open it, douche," Tink chided. "We could use some of that precious post-bullying outrage to fuel up for the boss fight."

 

"Tink! It says in my parenting books that you should never joke about bullying."

 

"You read books, Clara? Why aren't we friends on goodreads?" Zaboo flipped through his social networking tabs, checking his friend stats on each.

 

"Did I say books? I meant Yahoo answers. That site's, like, my version of Oprah."

 

"Mine too! Well, it used to be until I got banned for posting too many identical threads trying to figure out if I made my boyfriend gay."

 

"Sounds like a valuable lesson about the virtues of silence, Codex. Bladezz, will you please reveal the contents of your recently-acquired item so we can get back on schedule?" Vork flipped through his legal pad-turned-planner, internalizing his schedule for pleasure.

 

"It's a flask. And the card says it's from you, Tink. Does this mean you're finally ready to admit how hard you want me?"

 

"Gross. But I did send it to you for a reason. Instead of dueling while we wait for these losers to get set up for the fight, I thought we'd go to private chat and play a little game of tell me what happened with that short chick from the Megagame-o-ramacon."

 

"Am I dreaming? Is this like that time Codex thought she was in the matrix with her avatar?"

 

"Not dreaming. But this is a one-time offer. Come on!"

Tink secured her sneer in preparation for Bladezz's arrival in the private chat she'd set up. He was so easy to manipulate that she had to take regular advantage, but ever since she'd had her family angst exposed to squishy Codex at the con, she'd been having trouble fronting like she used to. She could still lie, cheat, steal, and hoard magical items, sure, but she found herself with a new pastime -- actually wondering about her guildies' RL drama.

 

She'd never been a troll like the Axis douches -- that more obvious expression of empty-life internerd syndrome had never struck her as particularly worthwhile -- but still, she could rationalize her new-found curiosity by the small pleasure she took in knowing more about her guildies than they knew about her. Which, you know, wasn't hard, at least it wasn't until Codex conned her into some kind of forced family hangout in one of her pathetic, overzealous gestures of, well, friendship, she guessed was what it was. Ugh. Chin up, April Lou! she joked to herself, trying not to get pissed like she usually did when she thought about her pathetic, overbearing mother and her verbiage.

 

Enter Bladezz, smug as ever. "I didn't know your redemption arc would come so soon, you minx. But let me set a few ground rules first. For starters, I'd prefer a lump sum for what you owe me, because otherwise, I might die in this basement, and Dena might beat me to the RL loss-of-V-card achievement."

 

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Simon. I already told you that you're never getting your money back, Call me an Asian wallet succubus? You pretty much deserve it. Your racism will get you nowhere in the online dating sphere that I already see will define your future, and, since you are of an age and gender that responds only to material sanctions, I maintain my right to your cash. However, that doesn't mean I'm cold. We've both experienced the pain and suffering of exploitation based on our youth and beauty, and so I offer a different kind of compensation for all of that, one I think you're just about ready for. I'd like you to unscrew the cap of your -- might I add, adorable -- flask. What does that smell like to you?"

 

"--"

"And don't be gross, or the whole deal is off. God, you're awful."

 

"It smells like..." Bladezz crinkled his nose in preparation for lighter fluid, but his expression softened as he actually took in the scent. "Cinnamon? This has got to be a trick. What is it?"

 

"You'd know if you were a woman who'd ever been invited to a college party. It's called Goldschläger. Look it up."

 

"Fancy. Okay, fyi, this really feels like an invite into your panties. Can you please explain why it isn't?"

 

"You'll find out in a few sips. Now, I don't need a furnishing charge on my unblemished record, so I'm going to need you to send me some kind of insurance before we go any further."

 

"Insurance? If I didn't know any better, I'd almost think you were assembling your own private archive of Finn Smulders fan art."

 

"My classes are super easy this quarter, okay? My English teacher thinks I'm a genius for existing. It's like she's a dude."

 

"Okay, okay. Check your inbox."

 

"Perfect. Now take a sip. How do you like it?"

 

Bladezz burst out laughing. "Wow, I can't wait to go to college. I'm pretty sure this stuff was custom-made for me. But it turns out you're the dupe here, because I'm not ready to spill anything."

 

"Fair enough. We'll just chit-chat. So, the megagame-o-ramacon...I'm so jealous that you got to meet so many celebrities. I'd say that, of all the knights of good, you really maxed out the, you know, opportunities the best. Well, except for Vork, come to think of it. Gross as it is to think about, he is the one of us who got action there. Celebrity action, at that, middle-aged celebrity action, which barely counts, but even I have to concede that it gets him points. You've gotta respect a man who can turn a longtime obsession into, you know, something less pathetic."

 

"Difference between Vork and me is pretty simple there -- he's got one lifetime, one obsession. One haggard middle-aged lady who was in a terrible science fiction show, that, as far as I can tell from Wikipedia, no one but Herman watched. Do I get another sip yet?"

 

"Doesn't sound like you're going anywhere with this, so you might as well. I'll take one, too, because I'm bored, and because my ex-f...er, boyfriend left some really expensive stuff here."

 

"Very nice. See, hangin' with the Bladezz man can be fun. Drop the attitude, and maybe I'll drop the secrecy about my epic con weekend."

 

"Eh, you know, I almost don't even care anymore. I mean, I already know, anyway."

 

"You don't know."

 

"Ugh, I'm logging off."

 

"No, Tink! This is, like, the most erotically charged experience I've ever had. You can't leave me now. I'm gonna chug the rest."

 

"Of course you are."

 

"Yep! Ha! UGH. There it is. Mmmmm. Call the sexy cartoon nurse, I'm officially in a new place."

 

"That new place is called drunktown. Welcome."

 

"Whyyyyy thank you. As your reward, the truth about tiny con fangirl: I got nowhere."


End file.
